Stand up comedian - improviser - writer
  • Things I Exclaimed At The Great British Bake Off - Week 5: Pastry

    Wed 21 Sep 2016  ·  9:23PM
    Another week, and it's time for some pastries... which is good news for me, as I basically consider them one of the major food groups at this point.
    • I don't want to say I watch a lot of legal dramas but when I see the bakers banging rolling pins on the tables, I find myself naturally coming to order.
    • Always remember to fold your pastry like a book, so you get an extra fold in each turn. Plus, something to read... if you don't have the attention span for actual words.
    • "I have to stop smoking all of those pastry cigars" - Winston Churchill, upon learning he was diabetic.
    • Regular viewers of my Instagram account will know that I ice pastries a lot better than the bakers...
    • So what's worse in Paul's eyes? Having dry butterless pastry, unproved pastry with good toppings, or not having all twelve danishes made?
    • Can't believe it took until week 5 before Mel started lining her pockets with baked goods.
    • Ahhhh! Frangipane! Hello, my old friend! #NotToBeConfusedWithDiazepam
    • BAKE OFF FACT: "Classic & Classy" was the name of Mary Berry's 1973 jazz/funk album.
    • If Val loses this challenge for not following the recipe, it will somewhat undermine the point of the technical challenges.
    • SOGGY BOTTOM ALERT!
    • 7TH?! Well, guess you do have to follow the recipe then...
    • Ahhhh! Filo pastry, you fickle mistress - a cruel challenge, as even Mary admits she buys it ready-made.
    • "Chocolate & steak, Tom? Well, it's not classic, but it could be classy..." says Mary, before shooting a knowing look down the camera. *Holds up copy of album; winks*
    • NOTE TO SELF: "Amuse-bouche" would be a good name for a comedy gig held in a bakery.
    • How is Selasi so calm every week that he's able to help other people dish out their bakes?
    • And surely now, Rav has knocked the final nail into Val's Bake Off coffin?
    • BAKE OFF FACT: "Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of Pig" will be the title of Paul's next book.

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