Stand up comedian - improviser - writer
  • Things I Exclaimed At The Great British Bake Off - Week 9: Patisserie

    Wed 19 Oct 2016  ·  9:17PM
    It's semi-finals week! LET'S GET READY TO CRUMBLE! It's time for some delightfully flaky patisserie bakes!
    • BAKE OFF FACT: Mel & Sue's French art-house opening was paid for by an Arts Council grant.
    • The first crack in Selasi's cool finally arrives in the semi-final. Despite this, he still remains pretty damn cool.
    • BAKE OFF FACT: "Bashing out my butter" will be the name of Candice's 2018 tell-all book.
    • "I CAN HEAR YOU WHISPERING!" - Remind me not to take Candice to a library.
    • This "you're doing our job" argument with Selasi would be funnier if Mel & Sue weren't actually leaving...
    • A dual oven drop in the same task?! This is unprecedented!
    • Jane apparently has a finger-click operated oven. That's both fancy and pro-jazz culture.
    • How is it possibly that everyone under-baked their signature, except Andrew, who effectively had an hour less, due to restarting? That defies logic. #AndrewsATimeLord
    • If someone could turn Selasi saying "full stop" into a gif, please, then that's how I shall end all arguments on internet forums.
    • BAKE OFF FACT: Jane and Andrew's new Mills & Boon series "She's All He Talks About" will be released in February.
    • New plan: Can I have Sue toweling down Selasi as a gif instead? Ta.
    • I feel like we've definitely had fondant fancies as a technical before? Mind you, I recall everyone was rubbish that year, so the Fancies must be back to make amends.
    • We now take a interrupt your program for Mary and Selasi to have a sieving-based stare-off. You can separate the tension with a... well, a sieve, I suppose.
    • BAKE OFF FACT: Andrew's exercise DVD, "Fondant Thighs of Steel" will be out in time for Christmas.
    • Candice has a very low-key understanding of "actual insanity". Rarely does it involve baking pressure; more of a poop-flinging thing...
    • End of the showstopper, and I'm already sensing who's going; not thrilled about it... It's an obvious choice, though.
    • Yep. That's disappointing.
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